I think most of these categories are self explanatory, but for the last. A Problem Statement is the customer's observations of what the computer is doing or not doing that caused them to call in the first place. A Problem Statement of, "It's just freaking out all over the place" doesn't cut it. Be as precise as possible, even documenting your observations before you call. You don't need X-Ray vision to get a good Problem Statement, just be as conscientiously observant as you would if you were dealing with your car. A good problem statement can cut a 3 hour long distance call to 15 minutes in many cases. The collection of this data must be done, either on the phone or off so it behooves you to do the work yourself instead of paying to sit on the phone while someone else wastes your money trying to guess at the answers.

Unlike our fictional flock of Peugeot mechanics in Part 1, the support engineer will never lay eyes on your machine and you must be their eyes, ears, and hands in advance and during the call. This means dealing with a couple of things that you might not want to hear: Don't ever assume that you know what the support engineer is going to tell you next. If you jump ahead of a tech's instructions, you may steer yourself down a wrong path, causing subsequent instructions that the tech gives you to create new problems or even destroy data. Also, it helps a tech to know that things are going correctly by having you repeat the instruction back to them just before you do it. (Some techs even use phonetic spelling to be sure that you type a command in correctly.) Remember, the tech can't see your screen, so you need to be their eyes. Tell them what's happening as you carry out the instructions you're given. These "checksums" can make it almost impossible to mis-communicate. It may feel like you are going slow but the alternative (going slower!) is much worse.

If you do run on to a scenario where you feel that the technician either doesn't have the information or experience necessary, ask if there is someone who specializes more in the type of problem you are having. Don't play that card in the first five minutes, though. Just feel the situation out and if you think it will help, ask. The support engineer will probably be relieved to pass you on because your problem may represent a embarrassing deficiency in his or her knowledge. Usually there is a structure to a support organization that deals with the most common problems first then steps you through the system the freakier the problem gets. Remember to always thank the tech, even if they are just transferring you to a more senior engineer; it means that if you ever talk to the first level tech again, recognition of your name and your voice will bring with it the recollection of your gracious manner.

When you get to the second level tech, ask what type of problem statement the previous tech gave, and clarify as necessary. This isn't to insult anyone's motives or intelligence; it just makes clear that you want communication to happen as clearly as possible. The second level tech will love you for it.

If the call ends inconclusively (i.e., you don't get your problem solved) it will end in a limited number of ways:

• Need more information It may not be a lack of data in your problem statement or preliminary research, but just a quirk that can only be solved with more research. As it is your machine, you get to do the research. This may include (but not be limited to) contacting the hardware manufacturer, checking software versions, or getting updated drivers.

• Unresolvable You may be running a program that is so old or so badly designed that it quarrels with the Operating System. Whatever you do, don't feed a tech the line about "Well, it worked in Windows 3.1." I've seen techs grind walnuts into powder in their bare hands over complaints like that. There are some problems that can only be solved by a patch or newer (better?) version of the software you are running. If the company that wrote your Snake Feeding Scheduler v1.0 is out of business, you are out of luck. Don't shoot the bearer of the bad news.

• Requires Internal Research This one is rare. Like, really rare. If you've started with a first level tech and then been forwarded through the second level to the third, you have something stranger than strange. If the third level fails to solve it, they will most likely tell you that they will have to consult with the design engineers of the software or hardware and will get back to you within 48 to 72 hours. The answers aren't always pretty, but you will have received the definitive answer, whatever the outcome is.

If your problem doesn't get solved and you need to call back, be sure you have that call tracking number. This will allow the next tech you speak with to read his forerunner's comments on the problem and his solution, and spare you the time and effort of telling someone new the same problem all over again, and maybe even starting down the same path to a solution that didn't work. Again. Also, be sure you have the support engineer's first name and their ID number. Don't bother asking for last name: You won't likely get it. Some techs I know have made the mistake of giving it out and started getting calls in the middle of the night from lonely (or clueless) users.

Finally, consider the following:

1. Never swear. It makes you look like a jerk and may get you hung up on. Most companies don't require their staff to take this, so leave the blue language in the locker room or be prepared to face a dial tone.

2. Never be afraid to ask for clarification. If you don't understand the technical jargon, ask for the tech to draw an analogy. (I find that almost anything can be described with a handy car analogy, as it is the next most complex piece of machinery that the average person is acquainted with.)

3. Always note the support engineer's first name and use it throughout the call. I found that someone who alternated my name with the title "sir" could get me to work like a dog to get their problem solved. It is amazing what even just the trappings of respect can do to smooth your path.

4. Don't be a chauvinist. Female techs are frequently better than men because they resonate better with the customer's mood and can modify their approach to match their customer. If you get a lady tech, be polite and give her as much slack as you would any run-of-the-mill hair and testosterone machine. (Big warning here: If you make the mistake of "coming on" to her over the phone, you could find yourself slapped with a sexual harassment suit from 3000 miles away. Try explaining that one to your wife! Many of these calls are recorded, so act accordingly.)

5. You don't have to take insults from a technician. That is why you get their name and ID up front. If their attitude stinks and you have already informed them and given them a chance to straighten up, ask to speak to their manager. Sometimes you will be told that you'll get a call back in 48 hours. Live with it. In the meantime, ask to be "escalated" to the next level of support. If they refuse, you can hang up knowing that you have all of the data necessary to burn them a good one when their manager calls you. There is no reason for you to put with this kind of behavior and you do the rest of us a favor by "helping these folks find more suitable employment" when it occurs. (If the manager doesn't call back within the stated time, call the company and feel free to go berserk on people until you get to a manager. Once you get the manager on the line, calm down. I don't recommend this as a first line of defense, but some behaviors merit it.)

6. Because some companies charge for certain types of support, be clear at the beginning whether your problem falls into that category. If you think you have been charged inappropriately, ask the tech to explain why and if you don't like the answer, follow the steps in Commandment 5.

7. Be really careful with the words LEGAL ACTION. If you have a computer annoyance that is slowing you down, it probably isn't worth pitting your lawyer, Maurice, against a software corporation's deep water legal barracudas. Also, using those words to a tech will get you transferred to the legal department at light speed. The legal department doesn't care if your problem gets fixed. You had better be a month into the call and madder than hell before you use those two words in the same sentence.

8. Reward good support. Yeah, they are "just doing their job" but if someone really pulls you out of a jam, do a good turn by them. Most companies have an address where you can send letters of recognition. Do it. It will make you feel good and will reward good support. The best techs rise to the top, thus influencing everyone beneath them.

9. Don't feel patronized if you think you are being talked down to. Support engineers deal with a variety of people all day long. The last person he spoke with might have had the mental acuity of a bowl of dirt. Just mention that you understand, and they will likely readjust their technical vocabulary accordingly.

10. Be professional. The person on the phone is a computer specialist. They are not prophets, confessors, clairvoyants, or gods. Don't strike up a conversation during the call about your gouty leg.

Armed with this information, you should be able to successfully navigate almost any technical support system. As the popularity of computers increases, so too does the number of calls to technical support. Some companies are so overwhelmed that they have truncated their live support and now only offer email or automated fax-back support. Check your documentation when you buy a product and if they don't list a voice number for support, take it back.

For next month I'd like to give the PAUG members a chance to get some specific questions answered. Email me with your questions (stick to Windows95 or the Internet as your topics) at webwalker@accessone.com. I'll look over the batch and answer a few questions that have been nagging you.

Peace,

Webwalker